Nothing's Final

I've been putting off writing my "final" KFB post, because I know it's not final. Just as Patrick said in his "final" email to us, this is the end of a 90-day program but not really the end of anything.

So what's changed in the last 90 days? More flexibility, more strength, more resilience. I'm sad to say that I didn't put in 100% on this project like I did with PCP -- more like 85%. I just didn't have the energy or the motivation to attack this thing with everything I had. But 85% is still quite a lot, and an incredible improvement over where I was a year ago.

I feel more settled in my routine these days. Sleep, vegetables and sweat are a part of my life, not something exceptional. I definitely have to make an effort to get all those things in, it's not automatic, but I function so much better and have so much more to give when I take care of those basic requirements. I've always known this but now I feel it deeply, so it's easier to get up early and work out or add a side of chopped veggies to my sandwich at lunch. I've also learned that I'm pretty happy with much less alcohol than I was consuming -- not that I drank a lot before, but I know that 1-2 glasses of wine a week is really enough.

I started this project pretty uninterested in kung fu, martial arts, or any of the speed and accuracy things we were trying to learn: I just wanted to reinforce my good PCP habits and get some definition back in my arms. Well, guess what? Good PCP habits reinforced, definition in arms achieved... AND I've really had fun with the speed and accuracy stuff too. I like feeling strong and powerful and yes, maybe able to defend myself in a most unlikely physical altercation. I see now that the ability to defend myself is not just about punching somebody's lights out. In order to be able to punch somebody's lights out, I have to be calm, confident, collected, in control of my power, and not motivated by fear or aggression. Those are all excellent things to develop. I finally understand why people study martial arts, and I think it's pretty cool! I've been looking around town to find a place where I might be able to continue my studies with some other people actually in the room.

I've also been glad to have the opportunity for a daily meditation practice. Just like with exercise, the hardest part is getting started. I feel like I could write paragraphs about what's going on in my head during meditation, but that's just more chattering. In my case, the daily meditation on our workout sheets served to reconnect me to something that used to be a regular part of my life. I'm going to use the momentum I've got to keep it rolling!

I don't have a photo at the moment -- need to get someone else to snap one of me -- but I'll say that I'm in my smallest-sized clothes now. Interestingly enough, the scale has barely moved since the beginning of KFB. This is a good reminder again that the number on the scale is only one indication of health. If I had only been looking at the scale I would be disappointed indeed. I'll post a pic in the next couple of days.

Thank you, Brett and Ellen, for staying here throughout! We did it together! And thank you, also, Ilan, Naoko and Deborah for your enthusiasm and efforts. I'll be here to cheer you on when it's your turn.

Thank you, as always, Patrick, for your encouragement, your good words, and your deep understanding.

That's all for now. It's hard to sum up this experience in words. After finishing the PCP, I felt totally transformed, with a new and different perspective. Now, I feel deepened, more of how I'm learning to be. Just another step on the journey...

My training center for the final days of KFB.

Day 85: Taking stock

Just a quick post today, since we're packing for Florida and are getting on a plane this afternoon -- but I had a couple of thoughts this morning that I wanted to share. Today has given me the opportunity to look at where I've been and what's ahead.

This morning is the Kentucky Derby Festival Marathon, a race that takes place every year a week before the big horse race itself. One year ago, I was standing in the pouring rain waiting for a bus to take me to my starting line -- I ran a marathon relay with four other women, splitting up the 26 mile course into more manageable bits. I ran a 5K leg, which felt like an incredibly long way to run. It was only the 2nd race I'd ever run, and I really had fun -- lots of excitement, lots of people around, and my leg of the race took us through Churchill Downs, where the horses were getting ready for their own race. I had to take more than one walking break but I wasn't really worrying about time. In the end, it was a good time but I didn't really know if I wanted to do it again.

Now, a year later, I haven't run at all since then. Yet I'm in better shape than I've ever been. It's hard to believe that I ran last year 20 pounds heavier than I am now and nowhere near as strong. The team I ran with last year is doing it again, and I was tempted to sign up, just to see how much faster I could be. But if I'm honest, I don't really like running. The excitement of a race is fun, but that's about it. And the cool thing is: I don't have to run to be in good shape.

I've also started to get a glimpse of just how much more I have to learn. I can still learn so much about how my body works, about being strong and fast and flexible, about how to eat well and manage my time so I can get enough sleep. Nearing the end of my second 90-day fitness project this year, you'd think I would feel like I have all the answers. I know a lot more than I used to, and that is exactly what enables me to see how much more I can learn and do. This understanding might make some people feel depressed or overwhelmed, but right now I just feel invigorated and excited.

5 more days, y'all!

Day 79!

Just realized it's been a while since I posted. It's been a rough week on the KFB, due to a whirlwind Passover visit to NYC. We left last Saturday, and I dutifully got up at 5 am to work out before getting packed and going to the airport. And that, my friends, was the last workout until Thursday. I'm not proud of this.

I took my shoes and my jump rope, and the friends we stayed with even have a home gym so I thought I'd be able to sneak away for an hour in the morning and get 'er done. But sleep turned out to be a rarer commodity than I had expected, despite my best intentions. My husband and I slept in the same room as our daughter, which is no longer a good idea. When she was a baby it was fine -- it was the best -- but as an older child, she doesn't understand why we would be right there and not want to play. She woke up about 2 hours earlier than she normally does every day we were there, not to mention waking up throughout the night. Every night I set my alarm to get up early and work out, and every morning I would turn it off after a nearly sleepless night, desperate to get another 30 minutes.

The rest of our days were full of visiting friends and holiday gathering, so workouts went out the window. Of course, there was a ton of walking around the city, hauling the toddler and her stroller up and down subway stairs, etc., so I was pretty active. And once again, I was grateful for my good condition that enables me to do all those things.

Food was also pretty challenging, for a number of reasons. One, we had several restaurant meals because we were meeting friends in the city. Two, the friends we stayed with keep a kosher kitchen, which I can usually navigate around fairly well -- but kosher for Passover is another thing entirely, and I was worried about violating some rule I didn't know about. Three, we had not one but two Seder meals, which is basically Thanksgiving-level indulgence. In all cases, I did the best I could. Reasonable-to-small portions, as many veggies as possible, fruit for dessert.

We got back home, happy and exhausted out of our minds, on Wednesday afternoon. Since Thursday morning I've been back on track, but it's been tough. Coming back to workouts after having missed a few is so brutal that it really is better not to skip one. I always think it's easier to do something every single day rather than, say, four times a week. The challenge is mental, not physical -- it's like your brain has realized that you don't have to do this thing every day and then asks, then why the hell are you doing it now? And you have to explain, again, to Brain why workouts are a good thing.

What did I learn from all this? Skipping a few workouts isn't the end of the world, but I really feel better when I do work out, so I don't want to skip many. (I was really happy to have sore triceps again!) Other people really eat and drink a lot, especially in restaurants. Sleep is just the best thing ever and I quickly go insane without enough of it.

So this week is all about holding the course and getting ready for our NEXT trip: a family vacation to Florida, including my parents. We leave on Saturday. Yep, I'm excited to say I'll be finishing up KFB on the beach! We're renting a house there, so food & workouts really should be no problem. I know I said that before, but this trip really is a vacation: we're going to be in a quiet beach town where there's nothing to do but read and swim and hang out. My parents and my husband are all very supportive of my efforts so I know I'll be able to do what I need to do to finish this project strong.

Day 64

It's tough sometimes to know what to post here, but I want to keep posting when I can. There aren't big exciting changes every week like I felt I saw during the PCP. This work is more internal and mind-related. I feel more relaxed about the whole process but I'm having to remind myself not to be too relaxed and fall out of discipline all together.

The PNF trick yesterday during the wide angle forward bend totally worked! Fascinating to explore. I usually put my meditation cushion in front of me on the floor during this stretch, and a few weeks ago I was actually holding onto it to pull me forward a bit. By the end of yesterday's stretch, I was comfortably resting my elbows on the cushion. I was watching a TV show on my iPhone, which was initially propped up at an angle so I could see it, but by the end of the stretch, the iPhone was flat on the cushion, pointing directly upward, because I had leaned over so far that I didn't need to prop it up any more. I almost wanted to stay in the stretch longer and see how much more I could do, but when the timer rang I very slowly sat up and bent my legs. Yikes! That's a lot of sensation all at once. There'll be another chance next week to sit even longer.

As a result of this work I can comfortably bend over and touch my toes at any time of day. I'm not entirely sure of the value of that ability, but it's something I couldn't do before.

I'm not sticking perfectly to the diet but I feel like I'm learning how to eat well in a real-life kind of way. We've got a couple of trips coming up before the end of this project, and I know I'm not going to be able to weigh & measure everything I eat. But I am feeling more settled in my ability to make good choices, day in and day out.

A week from today we're going back to New York, this time bringing our daughter, so we can visit our best friends for Passover. (We're not Jewish but our closest NYC friends are Israeli and we always spend the Jewish holidays with them.) Then we'll be going to Florida at the end of April for a week's vacation with my parents, where we'll be renting a beach house and hanging out in the sunshine for a few days. In both situations I should be able to have plenty of healthy food choices and shouldn't have a problem keeping up with my workouts.

I was sorry to hear that Ilan couldn't stay with the program, but there's only so many life-changing events that anyone can handle at one time. He's a strong person, though, and I know he'll do fine.

Where's Deborah? I miss her voice here. Deb, I hope you're doing okay.

On to a new week!

Day 58 (I think?)

Getting back to basics this week, have really tightened up on some of my undisciplined eating and am putting my very best efforts into the workouts. I want to finish this program on a strong note!

First kickball game was yesterday, and it was fun. I shouldn't have worried about embarrassing myself -- it was not a super-athletic team. When your teammates are meeting at a bar before the game, then bringing a 12-pack of beer to the game, you know it's not going to be serious. (Luckily for me, the beer was Coors Light and I wasn't remotely tempted. I have standards, people!) But it was nice to be outside in the sun -- we've had a miserable winter here and it's just now starting to get warm. I was only up to kick once, and I summoned up my best kickball kung-fu, but the other team had some good fielders so I was out immediately. I had one moment when a pop-up fly came my way in the outfield, and I managed to catch it -- then drop it. Oh well. We lost 3-2, not as bad as last week's 14-0 loss. :-)

Even though it wasn't physically challenging, actually signing up for a team sport was mentally challenging for me. I haven't done any kind of team sports since PE class somewhere in middle school. I know that the strength and confidence I've gained from PCP and KFB gave me the courage to give it a try. And now that I've played kickball with a bunch of friendly semi-drunk people, maybe before long I can try something a little more challenging.

One question for you all: during the freestyle punches and kicks, I find myself almost constantly bouncing on the balls of my feet. It's happening naturally, just feels like a way to stay energized and ready. On the other hand, it also feels a little nervous and jumpy. I tried staying very still except for the punches or kicks, but that felt flat and kind of weak. I'm wondering how much moving around is normal and advisable.

AND: big thanks to Rebecca & Sarah for letting me know they're still with me! It means a lot to know you're following along at home. Sarah, I know you will ROCK the KFB when the time is right. And Rebecca, you could totally rock it too. :)

Hope everybody is doing well!

Not too loose, not too tight

Day 50-something, trying to keep it all in balance. Is there such a thing as the KFB Valley? Cause I kind of feel like I'm in it. It's not a deep and dark valley like the PCP Valley -- it seems with all things KFB, the lows aren't as low (and the highs aren't as high). Maybe it's just the aftereffects of a relatively indulgent weekend in New York, but I'm finding myself chafing a bit at the restrictions I have. I'm trying to take Patrick's advice and remember that this is something good I'M doing for MYSELF, not anything that has been put on me from the outside.

I have been more reasonable with my expectations than during PCP, and I have cut myself a little slack here and there, without worrying too much about getting every single thing perfectly right. On the flip side, I may have been letting things slide a bit too much, not weighing all my food, nibbling a bit too much from other's plates. It's time to wake up and be more conscious about what I'm doing.

The workouts are going fine, if a bit tedious. I'm feeling ready for some new stuff, even though I totally haven't mastered what I'm already working on. (I know this is probably not reasonable, but just reporting the feelings that come up.) I do notice that my kicks feel higher and faster and sharper, which is pretty cool.

I sang in a concert last week (the Mozart I've been working on for a few months now) and I noticed that I've started standing in my fighting stance for singing, one foot in front of the other. It feels like an energizing stance, steady and grounded but ready to work. Singing is an incredibly physical endeavor, and it's easier to do when I feel strong with good posture and aware of my breathing.

I wish I had some news from Deborah and Ilan, to hear how they're doing. I haven't heard anything from Ilan since the earthquake, but since both of them are still listed in that email with our weekly diets, I'm assuming they're still on board. Brett and Ellen, keep it up! I'm still here with you.