Not too loose, not too tight

Day 50-something, trying to keep it all in balance. Is there such a thing as the KFB Valley? Cause I kind of feel like I'm in it. It's not a deep and dark valley like the PCP Valley -- it seems with all things KFB, the lows aren't as low (and the highs aren't as high). Maybe it's just the aftereffects of a relatively indulgent weekend in New York, but I'm finding myself chafing a bit at the restrictions I have. I'm trying to take Patrick's advice and remember that this is something good I'M doing for MYSELF, not anything that has been put on me from the outside.

I have been more reasonable with my expectations than during PCP, and I have cut myself a little slack here and there, without worrying too much about getting every single thing perfectly right. On the flip side, I may have been letting things slide a bit too much, not weighing all my food, nibbling a bit too much from other's plates. It's time to wake up and be more conscious about what I'm doing.

The workouts are going fine, if a bit tedious. I'm feeling ready for some new stuff, even though I totally haven't mastered what I'm already working on. (I know this is probably not reasonable, but just reporting the feelings that come up.) I do notice that my kicks feel higher and faster and sharper, which is pretty cool.

I sang in a concert last week (the Mozart I've been working on for a few months now) and I noticed that I've started standing in my fighting stance for singing, one foot in front of the other. It feels like an energizing stance, steady and grounded but ready to work. Singing is an incredibly physical endeavor, and it's easier to do when I feel strong with good posture and aware of my breathing.

I wish I had some news from Deborah and Ilan, to hear how they're doing. I haven't heard anything from Ilan since the earthquake, but since both of them are still listed in that email with our weekly diets, I'm assuming they're still on board. Brett and Ellen, keep it up! I'm still here with you.

Day 47: Post-vacation blues/bliss

Finally settling back into my home, my routine, my regular life after a few days away. We had a fantastic time in New York last weekend: lots of old friends, beautiful weather for walking, and of course, a gorgeous wedding. Our daughter stayed in Louisville with her grandparents so it was nice to enjoy a few days of kid-free fun. It was a great break for everybody.

As far as KFB while I was away -- I did my best. I only missed one workout while I was gone, and I think that's pretty great. (Can I substitute 2 hours of dancing for a KFB workout? Cause that's basically what happened.) I definitely didn't get enough sleep, but that's temporary. I made good choices during the day, and in the evenings I just relaxed and ate what I wanted. Lots of fabulous Indian food, which meant plenty of vegetables, although probably plenty of oil & butter too. I know, though, that I did so much better overall than I would have done without a plan. I know my training took a hit, but it was brief, it was special, and it was worthwhile.

I saw a lot of people who hadn't seen me in a while, and they all commented about how great I looked. I felt good, too. I wore two short dresses that I wouldn't have worn a year ago, one strapless and the other one-shouldered, to show off my arms. I had plenty of energy for all our walking around town and dancing at the wedding, and I attribute that to my training, too. Good motivation to keep it up!

So now I'm back at home, and this is the hard part, as I knew it would be. There's always a little post-vacation malaise, as I'm back to doing laundry and changing diapers. This morning's workout really kicked my ass. Is it just me or did things get a lot harder this week? I really had to push myself through the workout today. Whoa, so many side crunches!

But I'm glad to be back, because I basically enjoy my life, and I feel a bit renewed after my little break. Time to blast through the last 6 weeks!

FORGOT TO MENTION: I have joined a co-ed kickball team. (If you don't know kickball, it's like baseball except you kick a rolled ball instead of hitting it with a bat.) This is BIG, because a) I don't do team sports, never have and b) I've never been confident in my abilities to do anything athletic. Now, a summer kickball league is basically an excuse to drink beer, it's so not serious at all, but it feels like a big deal to me. Kickball was a special torture to me in elementary school, when I was chubby and asthmatic and generally useless on the playground. I get nervous just thinking about it. But now that I'm stronger and leaner and more coordinated (hopefully!) I'm willing to try it again. Thank you KFB!

Day 36? Or something

Not sure what day it is at the moment, just have a few minutes for a quick post. I'm back on track with workouts AND diet, which is nice. Still coughing a bit but feeling better. Trying to cope with a slight lack of sleep after a late night over the weekend + daylight savings time taking effect.

My husband and I went with some friends to see Lady Gaga on Saturday night -- so much fun! I only knew a couple of her songs but I went because I wanted to see the show she might put on, and it was worth every penny. Our seats were close to the stage on the side, so we couldn't see everything but had a great view of the backstage area, which was fun. It was amazing to watch her and her dancers move, especially since I've been thinking so much about learning to move my body lately. These were incredibly fit, incredibly coordinated people, wearing almost no clothing so I could see everything they were doing. There was one dance move that looked a lot like the Creep that we used to do on PCP, and I poked my husband and said, "That's what I was doing in the basement every morning!" He looked at me a little strangely. Anyway, it was a great time and I enjoyed it all the more because of my newfound respect for dancers.

I think I've grown a couple of inches in the last 6 weeks, or maybe I'm just standing up straighter. At any rate, I can definitely feel the difference in my standing and walking posture, and I'm finding more ease in my meditation posture too.

It's going to be a challenging weekend, KFB-wise, because on Thursday I fly to New York for a good friend's wedding. It's going to be a three-day series of parties (mehndi on Thursday -- she's Indian -- then rehearsal on Friday and wedding on Saturday) and I can't wait. She's one of my oldest friends and I couldn't be happier for her, plus I'll get to see a lot of our mutual friends from college. BUT -- it means lots of food, lots of parties, lots of alcohol, and several late nights in a row. I've decided I'm just going to do my best: eat as close to plan as I can during the day, then be reasonable in the evenings. I'm taking my jump rope with me and should be able to do most of my workouts. But it also doesn't seem very Kung Fu-ey to go to a friend's wedding and say I can't have a glass of champagne because I'm "on a program." The real skillful exercise will be getting back to my routine after I get home.

I have to say, though, it feels a little ridiculous thinking about any of this in light of what's happening in Japan. The people I know through this program are my only real connection to Japan, and you guys (Patrick, Ilan, Naoko) were the first people I thought of when I heard the news. There's not much I can do from here, though (made my Red Cross donation right away), so I feel like being upset at something on the other side of the world is no excuse to slack off on my training. I'm taking some time in meditation to hold everyone in my heart for few moments. I feel like that's pretty much all I can do, and hope things don't get worse.

Day 34: Coming back

I'm almost over my illness, still coughing but more energetic and able to work out again. It's been a really rough few days around here because my daughter and my husband have also been sick. A 2-year-old is not the most logical of creatures under the best of circumstances, but a 2-year-old with some kind of mystery virus is basically a crazy person. I can imagine it would be frightening -- you don't know what's going on with your body, you don't know if you'll ever get better. I've pretty much had a toddler hanging off of me like a barnacle for the last 5 or 6 days.

So I'm bummed to have missed three workouts this week (THREE! I only missed one workout during the entire PCP) but I know it wasn't because I was too busy or too lazy or just didn't feel like it. I really knew that the best thing to do was to rest. I went to bed at 8 pm, slept until 7 am, plus usually managed to take a nap while my daughter slept in the afternoon. I've been the sleep ninja this week! And I kept to the diet, no problem. Happy to report that we're all feeling better now.

I agree with what Ellen said, the workouts do seem to be taking longer. I don't mess around while I'm working out either -- I learned my lesson on PCP to just move right along -- but it took me about an hour and 15 minutes today. There's just a lot to get through.

I like crescent kicks! They're fun and feel like some kind of groovy dance move.

I think I actually reached failure on the push kicks today. Maybe because I had a couple of days off and lost some conditioning this week, but it was really tough to keep good form throughout all the kicks.

The advice about relaxing during the flexibility portion has been really helpful. I keep hearing my favorite yoga teacher's voice in my head: "How can you find some ease in this posture?" I used to do a lot of yoga when I lived in NYC near a great studio, and I really feel like the prenatal yoga classes I took helped me to have a good delivery -- not only because of the physical benefits, but because they helped me learn to relax in the presence of physical discomfort. In the midst of the intense, scary experience of childbirth, I was able to call on that sensation of finding a little relaxation and a little space, and I didn't freak out. So it's very helpful to get that reminder again here -- no need to freak out if it's hard, just relax.

I recently heard someone say that the basic advice of all spiritual traditions is "Relax." Maybe that's true.

Day 31: Sick

We are in a fog of sickness in my house. My daughter's been sick since Friday afternoon, and I've had it since Sunday morning. "It" consists of runny nose, fever, coughing, and other delightful symptoms. I didn't work out yesterday or today, but have stuck to the diet (although I cut some carbs at lunch because I'm not getting any exercise). The most skillful thing I can do at the moment is sleep. Which I am going to go do right now.

Hope everybody else had a good weekend, and I hope to be back and kung-fuey with you all very soon.

Day 29 & Mindful Consumption

I had an important realization during my mindful consumption exercise: I hardly ever just eat. I watch a movie or read a magazine or cruise the web or talk with somebody. Often enough, I'm helping my little girl with her fork or getting her some more milk, and shoveling bites of food in my mouth in between taking care of her needs. But I rarely just eat, while doing nothing else.

So yesterday afternoon found me sitting at my kitchen table, digging into a pint of Ben & Jerry's Cinnamon Bun ice cream. I used to eat a lot of ice cream, but even before PCP it had become a pretty rare treat. Woo, the first few bites were delicious! Cold and creamy, sweet caramel, little chunks of cinnamon sugar something. Lots of different flavors and textures all mixed together. Once upon a time I would have been able to eat the whole pint (probably because I was watching TV while eating and not noticing the ice cream itself) but yesterday I was done, really and truly done, after about 15 bites. It was good but it didn't stay as good after a few spoonfuls.

I heard an interview yesterday on NPR with Grant Achatz, the chef at Alinea, a groundbreaking restaurant in Chicago. (He has a really interesting story -- he recently survived a bout of oral cancer which left him unable to taste, but he continued cooking. Here's a link to the interview.) At Alinea, they serve a tasting menu that might be 20 courses long, each course being just a few bites. He mentioned that one reason they do such small portions is that you lose the novelty and the enjoyment of the taste after a few bites, and they're looking to create an emotional experience in diners so they need to keep things moving along. This is food as an art form, a rarefied experience that I'd love to try one day, but it's not food as medicine or sustenance. Yet the idea that the enjoyment can't last long -- yes, of course, that's true. The first couple of bites of anything is usually the best. Another good reminder.

After I ate the ice cream, I started feeling kind of fuzzy and sleepy a little while later. I drank some tea to help feel better but it didn't really work. I didn't feel terrible but I didn't feel great either. This is a good reminder in the future that if I choose to indulge, there's going to be a hangover. Occasionally I can consciously & willingly take this on, just like if I decide to have one more glass of wine than would really be prudent, but for the most part, I like to feel sharp and strong as I go through my day.

Wide angle forward bend was a little less traumatic yesterday too. It's fun to see how I'm becoming ever-so-slightly more flexible all the time.

Day 26

Wandering in the wilderness, indeed. I definitely feel disconnected from my KFB cohort when we're not blogging much. During PCP I spent a lot of time every day reading, writing, and responding to blog posts. I feel a little bit lonely these days. I know we're all working on our own, but I really enjoyed that daily support.

I'm doing fine with the workouts, although I think I'm not doing some of the kicks correctly. Can I say how helpful the videos are? The still pictures are useful but I really get clarification from the videos. This is just a different type of learning than I've ever done before -- learning to move my body in a certain way is not one of my strengths. My sense of spatial awareness is not very well-developed, apparently, so I'm finding it very challenging to learn how to do what I see in the videos. But I think it's really good for me -- stretching my brain as well as my body.

I'm having trouble sticking to the diet precisely. As always, I'm happy to eat healthy meals & snacks -- I really don't mind my simple-super plates or even my apple & egg white suppers. But I'm finding myself snacking here and there, especially when somebody else around me is eating. My daughter's favorite snack these days is raisins and slivered almonds, and I have trouble staying away when I mix up some for her. After a particularly tough parenting day, I had a beer while watching the Oscars at a bar with friends.

On PCP, I didn't "cheat" at all, so I'm not sure what's happening here. Part of me is still resistant to being "on a diet," although my daily eating has improved a lot in the last month. It's still a habit to reach for food when I'm upset or tired, as a form of comfort, and I guess I'm just going to have to take that on little by little. My daughter had an epic tantrum the other day (a rare occurrence, really) and I noticed how I just wanted some of the leftover cake in the fridge. (I threw it out instead of eating it.)

I'm really enjoying feeling stronger and more flexible, though, so I'm trying to focus on that when I want to eat something that's not part of the plan. I can feel my legs holding me up as I run around at the playground, I can feel my core muscles and my back muscles keeping my good posture when I sing. The other night at choir rehearsal, where we stand for 2 hours while we sing, I felt like balancing on one leg for a while (why? I don't know) so I did. Maybe it helped me stand up taller and allow more room for my lungs to expand. It was fun, though.

Wow, we're almost a month into this. I already feel big changes, can't imagine what's still on the way.