Day 20

Just a quick note to say I LOVE WORKING OUT BAREFOOT. Thank you to Patrick for the email yesterday about footwear. I normally wear some old running shoes -- the same ones that saw me through PCP, and last year's 5K races -- and they do just fine for jumping rope, etc. I had found it a little awkward to do downward dog, etc., with shoes on, but didn't think to take them off. Kicking was so much lighter and so much more fun this morning without shoes!

Hope everybody is having a good day!

Day 19

Time to BLOG IT OUT.

I've been crowing about my lack of complaints so far, but this morning I'm starting to feel a little annoyed. My shoulders and upper back are so sore lately, it's hard to lift my daughter into her car seat. Those jumping kicks are fun, but I feel like I'm about to fall over afterward. I can feel the energy leaving my body as soon as I finish each set.

Last night was the first time I really felt deprived, food-wise. One difference since PCP is that my husband has gotten really good at making fantastic homemade pizza -- he makes the dough from scratch, then tops it with all sorts of delicious things. He decided to whip up a batch last night to use up some of the roasted red peppers in our fridge, but pizza's not on my menu for the next couple of months. He and our daughter enjoyed big slices topped with peppers, spinach, olives, and veggie sausage, while I had plain salmon with carrots & tomatoes (raw, because I didn't feel like cooking them).

In the big scheme of things, that homemade pizza isn't the worst thing to be eating, so I know it'll be an occasional part of my life again. I can skip it for a few weeks. The message about thinking of food as medicine right now was extremely helpful as I sat down to my spartan plate while my family chowed down. Just like with PCP, the social situations are proving the most difficult -- but before last night, I didn't mind eating something different. For some reason, I was feeling a little grumpy and sorry for myself last night as I "took my medicine."

Food is medicine, yes, it's fuel and sustenance. But it's also been a source of pleasure for me, and I'm a little sorry to be letting go of that pleasure right now. I had a thought: if food is medicine, what can I find right now to be "food"? As in, something pleasurable and interesting and nourishing in another way? At the moment, it's watching "Downton Abbey", the Masterpiece Theatre miniseries about a big English household: great writing, great acting, beautiful sets, just soap-opera-y enough to be entertaining. I'm also thinking about simpler pleasures: walking outside as the weather gets a little warmer, taking my daughter to the playground, reading her favorite books to her.

It's been about a year and a half now that I've been a stay-at-home mom, working part-time here and there, but my life is now primarily about running a house and taking care of a child. It's a change that I wanted, but I've struggled with my sense of self and how to balance everything. I know that I've been using food to feel better, to provide a quick hit of enjoyment amidst confusion. I got some distance from that during PCP but slid back into some old habits after the program was over, and one of my main reasons for doing KFB now is to realign my relationship with food. This is so hard for me to admit. Maybe it's not the real "point" of KFB but it's the work that I have to do now.

I'm grateful for the structure of this program, and for my KFB teammates who are going through the same things now. In a way, it doesn't really matter how I feel about food because I'm going to eat what I'm supposed to eat anyway, and we'll see how my mind reacts.

Day 17

Woo, it's been a busy few days. Have fallen off the KFB wagon just a *little* bit, but holding strong for the most part, and really enjoying the changes I'm seeing.

Last night, my husband and I hosted an amazing musician, Dayna Kurtz, for a house concert. We had about 30 people come over, have some food & drinks, then Dayna played and sang in our living room for a couple of hours. It was such a fun evening. It meant, however, about two days of preparation, from buying food & booze, cleaning up and rearranging our furniture, and renting and setting up a small sound system. We made a Spanish feast (paella, tortilla espanola, roasted red peppers, marinated mushrooms) and asked our French pastry chef friend to bring some desserts -- and they were incredibly gorgeous. I think everybody had a great time, and I was really too busy to eat much of anything so I did fine, and I got my workouts done early in the day.

Today is where everything has fallen apart, KFB-wise. I stayed up too late and couldn't get up at my usual 5:45am to work out, then decided to nap while my daughter napped instead of working out then. I'm about to put her to bed in a few minutes, and I'm going to do the workout then. I hate working out at night, especially since I'm going to be back on mornings tomorrow. But it has to get done.

Then, this afternoon -- I ate a healthy, normal lunch, but then caved to a piece of cake that was in my fridge. Dammit! I sent lots of people home with food but didn't get rid of everything. I'm not going to beat myself up about it, but I'm pondering why I ate it. Or why I ate it all, instead of just a couple of bites. I'm going to chalk it up to a combination of fatigue and feeling out of my routine because I didn't work out in the morning. Exercising first thing *really* helps me set the tone for the day.

So now it's off to make dinner for my daughter, get her in bed, then hit my workout. Sigh. But I learned on the PCP that I have to make it work, and the rewards are great when I do.

Hope everybody else had a great weekend!

P.S. I also have about 15 or 16 incredibly yummy locally-brewed beers in my fridge -- anybody want to take them off my hands? :-)

Day 14

Ah, day of blessed rest. Well, I slept 20 minutes later than usual, so that counts for rest. I thought about sleeping in much later and doing my workout in the middle of the day instead, but I wanted to keep to my routine of jumping in the morning to get that extra little fat-blasting power. So, this morning found me in the usual basement spot, just a little bit later than normal.

The forward bend is very challenging for me, physically and mentally. I have little to no flexibility in my hips and hamstrings, so just sitting upright with my legs open is not easy. I find that I have to use my core muscles a lot just to keep from leaning back or from curving my spine. The step-by-step instructions were really helpful. I'm trying to keep my normal "must achieve perfection NOW" schtick from activating and just relax into the stretch. I found myself massaging my quadriceps muscles a bit to get them to settle down a bit as well.

Daily meditation is like greeting an old friend who I haven't seen in a while. I first received meditation instruction probably 15 years ago, and spent a good deal of time training in the Shambhala tradition. When I was in college, I was lucky enough to live near an active Shambhala center that offered lots of classes and programs, plus regular group meditation, so I spent a lot of time there. (My husband and I got married in the backyard of that center.) Once I moved to NYC, I was too far away from the local Shambhala center to get very involved, and here in Louisville there is no Shambhala center. So I'm missing that group practice, encouragement and community that used to be a big part of my life, but in the end, meditation is something you do by yourself -- and the "yourself" part can be the most overwhelming.

I've finally gotten to the point where I don't get frustrated with myself for drifting off and starting to think about other things -- I just calmly and automatically bring myself back to the breath. I think this ability was what helped me get through all those frustrating jump-rope days when I would trip every couple of jumps. No big deal, no need to add to everything by getting upset, just come back and start again.

Frankly, that skill is incredibly useful when dealing with a two-year-old, who is a little chaos generator. One day she loves broccoli, the next day she hates it, and you just have to roll with it. So, I take a deep breath, I come back to the present moment (because that's the only place a little child lives) and I deal with the issue at hand. (Usually.)

It's been a long while since I had a daily practice, though, so I'm happy that meditation is part of this program. Today I'm grateful for a little extra rest, I'm grateful for the delicious lunch I just had, and I'm looking forward to seeing what's ahead for next week.

Happy weekend, everybody!

Day 12

Still sore, maybe a little less so. As with last week, I'm gonna be ready for that rest day when it gets here.

But I can see myself getting stronger and just a little bit smoother in my moves. Kicks are becoming more and more fun. Punches are feeling a little more powerful, not just spaghetti arms flailing around.

Speaking of spaghetti, did you know that salmon and soba noodles were made for each other? You folks in Japan probably did, but it was news to me... until today.

The backbend stretch we did today was so intense/painful that I could barely force myself to stay through 5 breaths. Maybe I was doing it wrong? My lower back was getting so crunched that it was hard to breathe. Anybody else have trouble with that one?

Like Ellen, I have been remiss in getting those benchmarks this week. Toe touch was downright pitiful -- I can grab my mid-calves, no deeper. Ping-pong-ball cannibalization forthcoming shortly.

Day 11

Here is a list of what is currently sore on me:

My upper back

My shoulders

My triceps

My hamstrings

My calves

My abs

Uh, I guess I'm actually doing something! Aside from the fact that picking up my 25-pound kid is a little tougher, I don't mind being sore that much. I feel lighter and stronger already. I can really feel my legs holding up the rest of my body. I feel like my posture is better. I went to choir rehearsal last night and sang Mozart for 2 hours (kung fu practice for the voice) and felt like I'm even singing better.

Happy also to be back on a basic, simple eating plan. A little boring, yes, but sometimes fewer choices can be better.

Day 10

Thanks to you all for nice words and suggestions of what to eat on a sour stomach. I slept much of the day on Saturday, and recovered enough to go to my friend's birthday party, where I ate very carefully. I'm thinking it was some kind of food poisoning that got me on Saturday morning, because it was brief and violent, then it was over.

Yesterday, got back on the horse, so to speak, with diet & exercise. The workouts are a little bit longer now so I'm getting up 10 minutes earlier -- it feels bad when I set the alarm but that extra 10 minutes doesn't really matter in the morning. It's worth it to me to be able to get up and do my workout in peace, plus have a few minutes to sit quietly with some coffee before my day really begins.

I'm having a lot of trouble just figuring out how to coordinate everything on the side kicks. Patrick's video was super-helpful, but still not sure how to move my body that way. I know this is part of what we're supposed to learn, so I'm okay with being bad at it right now. I think there's a word for the sense of your body moving in space -- whatever it is, I don't have much of it. I love to dance, just jump around however the music moves me, but try and teach me actual steps and I struggle with getting it right. And moving arms and legs together -- that's some funny stuff. So yeah, this is a challenge for me.

I work out in the basement on carpet, and pivoting my foot is kind of impossible, so I think I'm going to get a big piece of cardboard and kick it b-boy style, see if that helps.

Just enjoyed a big beautiful plate of shrimp, avocado, tomato and couscous for lunch. I haven't been eating these kinds of lunches lately because of the cleanup involved, but it was really delicious, and it'll only take me a few minutes to do the dishes. Nice to be reminded of how I should be eating.

Really sore shoulders today, also sore calves and butt. I guess I did something!

Day 8

Today I am the Warrior of Ginger Ale and Saltines, felled by a stomach bug. Woke up early to work out (actually excited about new workouts -- who am I again?) and was immediately sick. I'll spare you the details but it wasn't pretty. I actually attempted to work out after that, but 150 jumps sent me gagging to the bathroom. Apparently the human body is kind of like a bottle of soda: shake the contents too much and...

I hate to be taking a sick day so early on but something is just not right with my system today. My husband is working all day today so my mom -- awesome, amazing, I'm so lucky -- has come over to take care of my daughter while I sleep. I feel like I'm on the mend but I'm definitely weak. Being really cautious with what I eat. My daughter is going down for her nap shortly so I think I'll join her for my second nap of the day.

I had plans to go out for a friend's (surprise) birthday dinner tonight, at one of my favorite restaurants in town. It's actually the place where I went for my first PCP indulgence. I have a babysitter all lined up but now I'm not sure if I can go. I was planning to just eat the simplest food I can find there, no carbs, no wine. (Their emphasis is on local produce, etc., although local produce consists mostly of turnips at this time of year.) At this point, I think I'll just pack a baggie of saltines in my purse if I feel well enough to make an appearance.

What do other cultures eat when they have an upset stomach? My mom always prescribes ginger ale and saltines, but there has to be something else. I'm not going to sweat missing a day of the diet under these conditions, but I'm curious. I have my laminated sheet from PCP all filled out with my grams and was looking forward to seeing how I felt with those amounts.

Hope everyone else is doing well, and hope I'm back on the horse to join you tomorrow.

Day 7: Rest

So nice to have a less-intense workout this morning. It's true, a day off is all the more enjoyable when you've been working hard. My forward bend is pretty pitiful -- I have tight hamstrings, which I hope will be somewhat eased over the course of the next 11 weeks. I had to sit on a small cushion just to keep from leaning back, but then once I got my hips up a couple of inches, I was able to bend forward a bit. I remember from my yoga classes about how to breathe into stretches: using the inbreath to lengthen and deepen the stretch, using the outbreath to relax and sink in a little bit more. It feels nice.

And this marks the first time in forever that I've actually kept up a daily meditation practice for more than a couple of days. I've been meditating off and on for probably 15 years, but have never, in all that time, managed to develop a real daily practice. Probably the last time I meditated every day for a week or more was when I did a 10-day retreat at Karme Choling in Vermont (maybe right down the road from you, Deborah?) and that was 4 years ago. I'm curious to see the effects that 90 days of meditation will have on me.

I think I'm discovering a powerful secret: in order to learn to do something, start really really small. Like 50 jumps with a jump rope, or 5 minutes of meditation. It feels ridiculously small, silly even, to do so little of something. My Type-A brain says, "You'll never get anywhere if you start so small!" But with daily repetition, and tiny incremental increases, that small start leads to a new skill. I struggled so much with jumping rope during the PCP, but now I can (usually) knock out 100 or even 150 jumps in a row without tripping. I recommend jumping rope to people all the time, but with the caveat that it takes a while to get good at it and you have to be patient and keep at it. I am not typically patient or persistent, but within the structure of a program I gradually, slowly learned how to jump rope. I'm grateful to have the chance to work on another skill now.

New diets coming tonight, I bet. Only a little bit of trepidation. :)

Day 6: No drama

There are many things that are similar between the PCP and the KFB: the basic structure of daily emails, daily workouts, diet maintenance, blogging, a group of people all training together. But I'm starting to see that the experience is very different, at least so far.

One big difference so far is the absence of any kind of DRAMA. I had a lot of drama during the PCP: the workouts made me cry more than once, I was often angry about the amount or type of food I was allowed to have, and I struggled with feeling like a total social outcast when I ate my apple & egg white while everybody else ate roast duck or whatever.

Now, it's only been a week on the KFB, but I'm not feeling any drama. The workouts are not super-easy, but well within my ability. On that last set of kicks I'm feeling pretty tired, so I swear a little bit and then it's done. I know our diet hasn't really kicked in yet, but I'm already eating better than I was last week, and that's coming easily. I'm willing to bet that apple & egg white is in my future, but whatever, it's just for a little while.

The big difference is that I'm just not anxious about this. I'm going to do my best, I want to get good results and really work this program for all I can, but I'm not sweating any of it. I like to say that I'm a recovering perfectionist, and I know now that I don't have to do every single bit of this program perfectly in order to learn and benefit.

Maybe the stretching and meditation are helping me to be calmer. Maybe the confidence I got from completing the PCP is helping me through. Maybe it's just the beginning and I will be a raging drama queen before this is all over. I'm enjoying the smooth ride as long as it lasts.

One other interesting note: I'm really feeling my abdominal muscles today, almost like I'm wearing a corset. On the PCP after ab work, I felt most sore right down the front of my stomach, but I'm feeling the muscles all around my midsection. Really interesting. I can poke through the pudge and tell that there are some good muscles under there. Now to work on shedding some more fat so those muscles can peek through!

Day 5

Making it work, Part 1:

My husband is a doctor by profession, and a musician by avocation. Last night he played his first-ever real gig in town, at a local pizza joint. Of course, I was there and so were lots of friends and family. He did great and there was a decent crowd. It was a really fun night. The "making it work" part comes when you're trying to reduce carbs at a place that basically serves nothing but. The menu included all kinds of pizza, several big meaty-cheesy sandwiches (with ranch dressing on the side!), and a couple of desultory salads. My table ordered a veggie pizza and a salad -- the salad was fresh enough, but basically a pile of iceberg lettuce. Blech. The pizza was delicious, and I had just one piece. I think once our "real" diet starts, that's not even going to work, but for now I'm happy that I made a better choice than I might have a week ago.

Making it work, Part 2:

I normally work out at 6 am, before anyone else in my house is up. I like having the quiet time to myself, and I like making my workout a priority. By 7 am, I'm finished and ready to jump in the shower. Last night, I didn't get to bed until midnight, so getting up at 6 to work out was not in the cards. I normally use the morning hours while my daughter is at preschool to take care of work and household things, but this morning I got the workout done too during that time. Not my favorite way to do things, but it had to be done. It's a good reminders that I really do have time to fit these things in, I just have to do it.

In other news: tired today. My body is aching a little bit more than it has been. I haven't been completely sedentary for the past 5 months (far from it) but I haven't been working out every single day. I think my body is feeling the effects of 5 days in a row of activity, much of it new to me. It's no big deal, but I'm going to be ready for that "rest" day on Friday.

How's everybody else doing?

Day 4

Heh. Just found myself doing some spontaneous leg swings while washing an apple. Came out of nowhere, I swear.

Definitely sore in the upper back and shoulders. Feeling unexpected strength in my core -- I wouldn't expect this feeling without lots of dedicated ab work. All those kicks and swings must be strengthening the core too.

One other thing: downloaded Cee-Lo's version of "Kung Fu Fighting" to my workout playlist. Silly but oddly appropriate.

Day 3 - Punch Out!!

Does anybody remember that old Nintendo game called Mike Tyson's Punch Out? My brother and I used to play it when we got sick of Super Mario Brothers. (It was before Mike Tyson was creepy.) Anyway, that's about as close as I've ever gotten to punching anybody or anything.

Until now.

I'm really enjoying the workouts so far, and I'm noticing that the part that makes me feel the silliest is the punching. I'm a girl; we don't usually punch. (Now, if pulling hair were on our exercise list, I could do that...) I never took martial arts. I took a stage combat class once, but you have to manage your energy very carefully so you don't actually hit anyone. So, punching is pretty new to me.

My arms feel so loose, and my hands feel so light at the ends of my wrists. I'm not bothered by it at all -- I know I'll get more accustomed to it -- it just feels really funny. The kicks feel different somehow, like my foot is heavier and has more force behind it. I guess that makes sense, if the kicks are fueled by the biggest muscles in my body.

Anyway, all is well in my KFB world. Unlike the early days of the PCP, I'm not filled with anxiety about what's coming next. I have enough experience with Patrick to know that I have no idea what's coming next, so if it's easy now, I'm going to enjoy it and wait until the next email that changes everything. Or not.

Day 1 & 2

I know exactly what I'm doing.

I have no clue what I'm doing.

I've done this before, but it's all new.

I'm sitting here slightly, pleasantly sore and tired after my Day 2 KFB workout. So far, the workouts feel pretty light, and surprisingly fun. I've been working on reestablishing a daily meditation practice so it's nice to have that folded into my other health efforts.

It's been 5 months since the end of the PCP, and I am not in Peak Condition at the moment, but not as far from it as I had feared. Since the PCP ended, I've managed to work out (at the VERY least) 3 times a week, most weeks more like 5 times. This is huge for me, someone who exercised sporadically at best before the PCP. A lot of the angst and resistance I had to exercise was dissipated over the course of the PCP, and now I generally approach it like a professional: get dressed, get in, get out, check it off the list. I work out because it makes me feel good, and as long as I remember that, I can get it done. I used the PCP maintenance workouts for a while until they got so God-awful boring that I had to find something new, then for the past month I've been using a very cool iPhone app just to mix it up. It's a mark of how far I've come that I was really excited to see my new KFB workouts, instead of dreading them.

Food is another matter entirely. Food is definitely my area of weakness when it comes to wellness. I like healthy food, but portion control is sometimes an issue, and emotional eating is definitely an issue. It's a big deal for me to even admit this in public, so I'm not sure how much I'm going to be able to talk about it publicly. But suffice it to say that I have retained some good habits from the PCP and I have let other bad habits creep back in. I'm happy to be back on a "program" and I'm happy to be continuing in my journey towards a better relationship with food.

The timing of this program is really great for me. I'm going to a friend's fancy-schmancy wedding in New York City right in the middle of the program, so I'm going to use that as a mid-term goal to shoot for. I don't have any weight goals in particular, I just want to look as good as I can by then. And by the time this program is over, it'll be Derby time in Louisville, the biggest festival of the year around here. Lots of parties & social events = opportunities for cute spring dresses. I'm looking forward to starting the warmer season with a healthier body.

I'm also happy to be sharing this experience with some wonderful people, including my former PCP buddies Deborah and Naoko. The social aspect of the PCP was one of the best things about it.

Two days in and feeling good. Bring it on!

Ready!

We join spokes together in a wheel,
but it is the center hole
that makes the wagon move.

We shape clay into a pot,
but it is the emptiness inside
that holds whatever we want.

We hammer wood for a house,
but it is the inner space
that makes it livable.

We work with being,
but non-being is what we use.