Nothing's Final

I've been putting off writing my "final" KFB post, because I know it's not final. Just as Patrick said in his "final" email to us, this is the end of a 90-day program but not really the end of anything.

So what's changed in the last 90 days? More flexibility, more strength, more resilience. I'm sad to say that I didn't put in 100% on this project like I did with PCP -- more like 85%. I just didn't have the energy or the motivation to attack this thing with everything I had. But 85% is still quite a lot, and an incredible improvement over where I was a year ago.

I feel more settled in my routine these days. Sleep, vegetables and sweat are a part of my life, not something exceptional. I definitely have to make an effort to get all those things in, it's not automatic, but I function so much better and have so much more to give when I take care of those basic requirements. I've always known this but now I feel it deeply, so it's easier to get up early and work out or add a side of chopped veggies to my sandwich at lunch. I've also learned that I'm pretty happy with much less alcohol than I was consuming -- not that I drank a lot before, but I know that 1-2 glasses of wine a week is really enough.

I started this project pretty uninterested in kung fu, martial arts, or any of the speed and accuracy things we were trying to learn: I just wanted to reinforce my good PCP habits and get some definition back in my arms. Well, guess what? Good PCP habits reinforced, definition in arms achieved... AND I've really had fun with the speed and accuracy stuff too. I like feeling strong and powerful and yes, maybe able to defend myself in a most unlikely physical altercation. I see now that the ability to defend myself is not just about punching somebody's lights out. In order to be able to punch somebody's lights out, I have to be calm, confident, collected, in control of my power, and not motivated by fear or aggression. Those are all excellent things to develop. I finally understand why people study martial arts, and I think it's pretty cool! I've been looking around town to find a place where I might be able to continue my studies with some other people actually in the room.

I've also been glad to have the opportunity for a daily meditation practice. Just like with exercise, the hardest part is getting started. I feel like I could write paragraphs about what's going on in my head during meditation, but that's just more chattering. In my case, the daily meditation on our workout sheets served to reconnect me to something that used to be a regular part of my life. I'm going to use the momentum I've got to keep it rolling!

I don't have a photo at the moment -- need to get someone else to snap one of me -- but I'll say that I'm in my smallest-sized clothes now. Interestingly enough, the scale has barely moved since the beginning of KFB. This is a good reminder again that the number on the scale is only one indication of health. If I had only been looking at the scale I would be disappointed indeed. I'll post a pic in the next couple of days.

Thank you, Brett and Ellen, for staying here throughout! We did it together! And thank you, also, Ilan, Naoko and Deborah for your enthusiasm and efforts. I'll be here to cheer you on when it's your turn.

Thank you, as always, Patrick, for your encouragement, your good words, and your deep understanding.

That's all for now. It's hard to sum up this experience in words. After finishing the PCP, I felt totally transformed, with a new and different perspective. Now, I feel deepened, more of how I'm learning to be. Just another step on the journey...

My training center for the final days of KFB.

Day 85: Taking stock

Just a quick post today, since we're packing for Florida and are getting on a plane this afternoon -- but I had a couple of thoughts this morning that I wanted to share. Today has given me the opportunity to look at where I've been and what's ahead.

This morning is the Kentucky Derby Festival Marathon, a race that takes place every year a week before the big horse race itself. One year ago, I was standing in the pouring rain waiting for a bus to take me to my starting line -- I ran a marathon relay with four other women, splitting up the 26 mile course into more manageable bits. I ran a 5K leg, which felt like an incredibly long way to run. It was only the 2nd race I'd ever run, and I really had fun -- lots of excitement, lots of people around, and my leg of the race took us through Churchill Downs, where the horses were getting ready for their own race. I had to take more than one walking break but I wasn't really worrying about time. In the end, it was a good time but I didn't really know if I wanted to do it again.

Now, a year later, I haven't run at all since then. Yet I'm in better shape than I've ever been. It's hard to believe that I ran last year 20 pounds heavier than I am now and nowhere near as strong. The team I ran with last year is doing it again, and I was tempted to sign up, just to see how much faster I could be. But if I'm honest, I don't really like running. The excitement of a race is fun, but that's about it. And the cool thing is: I don't have to run to be in good shape.

I've also started to get a glimpse of just how much more I have to learn. I can still learn so much about how my body works, about being strong and fast and flexible, about how to eat well and manage my time so I can get enough sleep. Nearing the end of my second 90-day fitness project this year, you'd think I would feel like I have all the answers. I know a lot more than I used to, and that is exactly what enables me to see how much more I can learn and do. This understanding might make some people feel depressed or overwhelmed, but right now I just feel invigorated and excited.

5 more days, y'all!

Day 79!

Just realized it's been a while since I posted. It's been a rough week on the KFB, due to a whirlwind Passover visit to NYC. We left last Saturday, and I dutifully got up at 5 am to work out before getting packed and going to the airport. And that, my friends, was the last workout until Thursday. I'm not proud of this.

I took my shoes and my jump rope, and the friends we stayed with even have a home gym so I thought I'd be able to sneak away for an hour in the morning and get 'er done. But sleep turned out to be a rarer commodity than I had expected, despite my best intentions. My husband and I slept in the same room as our daughter, which is no longer a good idea. When she was a baby it was fine -- it was the best -- but as an older child, she doesn't understand why we would be right there and not want to play. She woke up about 2 hours earlier than she normally does every day we were there, not to mention waking up throughout the night. Every night I set my alarm to get up early and work out, and every morning I would turn it off after a nearly sleepless night, desperate to get another 30 minutes.

The rest of our days were full of visiting friends and holiday gathering, so workouts went out the window. Of course, there was a ton of walking around the city, hauling the toddler and her stroller up and down subway stairs, etc., so I was pretty active. And once again, I was grateful for my good condition that enables me to do all those things.

Food was also pretty challenging, for a number of reasons. One, we had several restaurant meals because we were meeting friends in the city. Two, the friends we stayed with keep a kosher kitchen, which I can usually navigate around fairly well -- but kosher for Passover is another thing entirely, and I was worried about violating some rule I didn't know about. Three, we had not one but two Seder meals, which is basically Thanksgiving-level indulgence. In all cases, I did the best I could. Reasonable-to-small portions, as many veggies as possible, fruit for dessert.

We got back home, happy and exhausted out of our minds, on Wednesday afternoon. Since Thursday morning I've been back on track, but it's been tough. Coming back to workouts after having missed a few is so brutal that it really is better not to skip one. I always think it's easier to do something every single day rather than, say, four times a week. The challenge is mental, not physical -- it's like your brain has realized that you don't have to do this thing every day and then asks, then why the hell are you doing it now? And you have to explain, again, to Brain why workouts are a good thing.

What did I learn from all this? Skipping a few workouts isn't the end of the world, but I really feel better when I do work out, so I don't want to skip many. (I was really happy to have sore triceps again!) Other people really eat and drink a lot, especially in restaurants. Sleep is just the best thing ever and I quickly go insane without enough of it.

So this week is all about holding the course and getting ready for our NEXT trip: a family vacation to Florida, including my parents. We leave on Saturday. Yep, I'm excited to say I'll be finishing up KFB on the beach! We're renting a house there, so food & workouts really should be no problem. I know I said that before, but this trip really is a vacation: we're going to be in a quiet beach town where there's nothing to do but read and swim and hang out. My parents and my husband are all very supportive of my efforts so I know I'll be able to do what I need to do to finish this project strong.

Day 64

It's tough sometimes to know what to post here, but I want to keep posting when I can. There aren't big exciting changes every week like I felt I saw during the PCP. This work is more internal and mind-related. I feel more relaxed about the whole process but I'm having to remind myself not to be too relaxed and fall out of discipline all together.

The PNF trick yesterday during the wide angle forward bend totally worked! Fascinating to explore. I usually put my meditation cushion in front of me on the floor during this stretch, and a few weeks ago I was actually holding onto it to pull me forward a bit. By the end of yesterday's stretch, I was comfortably resting my elbows on the cushion. I was watching a TV show on my iPhone, which was initially propped up at an angle so I could see it, but by the end of the stretch, the iPhone was flat on the cushion, pointing directly upward, because I had leaned over so far that I didn't need to prop it up any more. I almost wanted to stay in the stretch longer and see how much more I could do, but when the timer rang I very slowly sat up and bent my legs. Yikes! That's a lot of sensation all at once. There'll be another chance next week to sit even longer.

As a result of this work I can comfortably bend over and touch my toes at any time of day. I'm not entirely sure of the value of that ability, but it's something I couldn't do before.

I'm not sticking perfectly to the diet but I feel like I'm learning how to eat well in a real-life kind of way. We've got a couple of trips coming up before the end of this project, and I know I'm not going to be able to weigh & measure everything I eat. But I am feeling more settled in my ability to make good choices, day in and day out.

A week from today we're going back to New York, this time bringing our daughter, so we can visit our best friends for Passover. (We're not Jewish but our closest NYC friends are Israeli and we always spend the Jewish holidays with them.) Then we'll be going to Florida at the end of April for a week's vacation with my parents, where we'll be renting a beach house and hanging out in the sunshine for a few days. In both situations I should be able to have plenty of healthy food choices and shouldn't have a problem keeping up with my workouts.

I was sorry to hear that Ilan couldn't stay with the program, but there's only so many life-changing events that anyone can handle at one time. He's a strong person, though, and I know he'll do fine.

Where's Deborah? I miss her voice here. Deb, I hope you're doing okay.

On to a new week!

Day 58 (I think?)

Getting back to basics this week, have really tightened up on some of my undisciplined eating and am putting my very best efforts into the workouts. I want to finish this program on a strong note!

First kickball game was yesterday, and it was fun. I shouldn't have worried about embarrassing myself -- it was not a super-athletic team. When your teammates are meeting at a bar before the game, then bringing a 12-pack of beer to the game, you know it's not going to be serious. (Luckily for me, the beer was Coors Light and I wasn't remotely tempted. I have standards, people!) But it was nice to be outside in the sun -- we've had a miserable winter here and it's just now starting to get warm. I was only up to kick once, and I summoned up my best kickball kung-fu, but the other team had some good fielders so I was out immediately. I had one moment when a pop-up fly came my way in the outfield, and I managed to catch it -- then drop it. Oh well. We lost 3-2, not as bad as last week's 14-0 loss. :-)

Even though it wasn't physically challenging, actually signing up for a team sport was mentally challenging for me. I haven't done any kind of team sports since PE class somewhere in middle school. I know that the strength and confidence I've gained from PCP and KFB gave me the courage to give it a try. And now that I've played kickball with a bunch of friendly semi-drunk people, maybe before long I can try something a little more challenging.

One question for you all: during the freestyle punches and kicks, I find myself almost constantly bouncing on the balls of my feet. It's happening naturally, just feels like a way to stay energized and ready. On the other hand, it also feels a little nervous and jumpy. I tried staying very still except for the punches or kicks, but that felt flat and kind of weak. I'm wondering how much moving around is normal and advisable.

AND: big thanks to Rebecca & Sarah for letting me know they're still with me! It means a lot to know you're following along at home. Sarah, I know you will ROCK the KFB when the time is right. And Rebecca, you could totally rock it too. :)

Hope everybody is doing well!

Not too loose, not too tight

Day 50-something, trying to keep it all in balance. Is there such a thing as the KFB Valley? Cause I kind of feel like I'm in it. It's not a deep and dark valley like the PCP Valley -- it seems with all things KFB, the lows aren't as low (and the highs aren't as high). Maybe it's just the aftereffects of a relatively indulgent weekend in New York, but I'm finding myself chafing a bit at the restrictions I have. I'm trying to take Patrick's advice and remember that this is something good I'M doing for MYSELF, not anything that has been put on me from the outside.

I have been more reasonable with my expectations than during PCP, and I have cut myself a little slack here and there, without worrying too much about getting every single thing perfectly right. On the flip side, I may have been letting things slide a bit too much, not weighing all my food, nibbling a bit too much from other's plates. It's time to wake up and be more conscious about what I'm doing.

The workouts are going fine, if a bit tedious. I'm feeling ready for some new stuff, even though I totally haven't mastered what I'm already working on. (I know this is probably not reasonable, but just reporting the feelings that come up.) I do notice that my kicks feel higher and faster and sharper, which is pretty cool.

I sang in a concert last week (the Mozart I've been working on for a few months now) and I noticed that I've started standing in my fighting stance for singing, one foot in front of the other. It feels like an energizing stance, steady and grounded but ready to work. Singing is an incredibly physical endeavor, and it's easier to do when I feel strong with good posture and aware of my breathing.

I wish I had some news from Deborah and Ilan, to hear how they're doing. I haven't heard anything from Ilan since the earthquake, but since both of them are still listed in that email with our weekly diets, I'm assuming they're still on board. Brett and Ellen, keep it up! I'm still here with you.

Day 47: Post-vacation blues/bliss

Finally settling back into my home, my routine, my regular life after a few days away. We had a fantastic time in New York last weekend: lots of old friends, beautiful weather for walking, and of course, a gorgeous wedding. Our daughter stayed in Louisville with her grandparents so it was nice to enjoy a few days of kid-free fun. It was a great break for everybody.

As far as KFB while I was away -- I did my best. I only missed one workout while I was gone, and I think that's pretty great. (Can I substitute 2 hours of dancing for a KFB workout? Cause that's basically what happened.) I definitely didn't get enough sleep, but that's temporary. I made good choices during the day, and in the evenings I just relaxed and ate what I wanted. Lots of fabulous Indian food, which meant plenty of vegetables, although probably plenty of oil & butter too. I know, though, that I did so much better overall than I would have done without a plan. I know my training took a hit, but it was brief, it was special, and it was worthwhile.

I saw a lot of people who hadn't seen me in a while, and they all commented about how great I looked. I felt good, too. I wore two short dresses that I wouldn't have worn a year ago, one strapless and the other one-shouldered, to show off my arms. I had plenty of energy for all our walking around town and dancing at the wedding, and I attribute that to my training, too. Good motivation to keep it up!

So now I'm back at home, and this is the hard part, as I knew it would be. There's always a little post-vacation malaise, as I'm back to doing laundry and changing diapers. This morning's workout really kicked my ass. Is it just me or did things get a lot harder this week? I really had to push myself through the workout today. Whoa, so many side crunches!

But I'm glad to be back, because I basically enjoy my life, and I feel a bit renewed after my little break. Time to blast through the last 6 weeks!

FORGOT TO MENTION: I have joined a co-ed kickball team. (If you don't know kickball, it's like baseball except you kick a rolled ball instead of hitting it with a bat.) This is BIG, because a) I don't do team sports, never have and b) I've never been confident in my abilities to do anything athletic. Now, a summer kickball league is basically an excuse to drink beer, it's so not serious at all, but it feels like a big deal to me. Kickball was a special torture to me in elementary school, when I was chubby and asthmatic and generally useless on the playground. I get nervous just thinking about it. But now that I'm stronger and leaner and more coordinated (hopefully!) I'm willing to try it again. Thank you KFB!

Day 36? Or something

Not sure what day it is at the moment, just have a few minutes for a quick post. I'm back on track with workouts AND diet, which is nice. Still coughing a bit but feeling better. Trying to cope with a slight lack of sleep after a late night over the weekend + daylight savings time taking effect.

My husband and I went with some friends to see Lady Gaga on Saturday night -- so much fun! I only knew a couple of her songs but I went because I wanted to see the show she might put on, and it was worth every penny. Our seats were close to the stage on the side, so we couldn't see everything but had a great view of the backstage area, which was fun. It was amazing to watch her and her dancers move, especially since I've been thinking so much about learning to move my body lately. These were incredibly fit, incredibly coordinated people, wearing almost no clothing so I could see everything they were doing. There was one dance move that looked a lot like the Creep that we used to do on PCP, and I poked my husband and said, "That's what I was doing in the basement every morning!" He looked at me a little strangely. Anyway, it was a great time and I enjoyed it all the more because of my newfound respect for dancers.

I think I've grown a couple of inches in the last 6 weeks, or maybe I'm just standing up straighter. At any rate, I can definitely feel the difference in my standing and walking posture, and I'm finding more ease in my meditation posture too.

It's going to be a challenging weekend, KFB-wise, because on Thursday I fly to New York for a good friend's wedding. It's going to be a three-day series of parties (mehndi on Thursday -- she's Indian -- then rehearsal on Friday and wedding on Saturday) and I can't wait. She's one of my oldest friends and I couldn't be happier for her, plus I'll get to see a lot of our mutual friends from college. BUT -- it means lots of food, lots of parties, lots of alcohol, and several late nights in a row. I've decided I'm just going to do my best: eat as close to plan as I can during the day, then be reasonable in the evenings. I'm taking my jump rope with me and should be able to do most of my workouts. But it also doesn't seem very Kung Fu-ey to go to a friend's wedding and say I can't have a glass of champagne because I'm "on a program." The real skillful exercise will be getting back to my routine after I get home.

I have to say, though, it feels a little ridiculous thinking about any of this in light of what's happening in Japan. The people I know through this program are my only real connection to Japan, and you guys (Patrick, Ilan, Naoko) were the first people I thought of when I heard the news. There's not much I can do from here, though (made my Red Cross donation right away), so I feel like being upset at something on the other side of the world is no excuse to slack off on my training. I'm taking some time in meditation to hold everyone in my heart for few moments. I feel like that's pretty much all I can do, and hope things don't get worse.

Day 34: Coming back

I'm almost over my illness, still coughing but more energetic and able to work out again. It's been a really rough few days around here because my daughter and my husband have also been sick. A 2-year-old is not the most logical of creatures under the best of circumstances, but a 2-year-old with some kind of mystery virus is basically a crazy person. I can imagine it would be frightening -- you don't know what's going on with your body, you don't know if you'll ever get better. I've pretty much had a toddler hanging off of me like a barnacle for the last 5 or 6 days.

So I'm bummed to have missed three workouts this week (THREE! I only missed one workout during the entire PCP) but I know it wasn't because I was too busy or too lazy or just didn't feel like it. I really knew that the best thing to do was to rest. I went to bed at 8 pm, slept until 7 am, plus usually managed to take a nap while my daughter slept in the afternoon. I've been the sleep ninja this week! And I kept to the diet, no problem. Happy to report that we're all feeling better now.

I agree with what Ellen said, the workouts do seem to be taking longer. I don't mess around while I'm working out either -- I learned my lesson on PCP to just move right along -- but it took me about an hour and 15 minutes today. There's just a lot to get through.

I like crescent kicks! They're fun and feel like some kind of groovy dance move.

I think I actually reached failure on the push kicks today. Maybe because I had a couple of days off and lost some conditioning this week, but it was really tough to keep good form throughout all the kicks.

The advice about relaxing during the flexibility portion has been really helpful. I keep hearing my favorite yoga teacher's voice in my head: "How can you find some ease in this posture?" I used to do a lot of yoga when I lived in NYC near a great studio, and I really feel like the prenatal yoga classes I took helped me to have a good delivery -- not only because of the physical benefits, but because they helped me learn to relax in the presence of physical discomfort. In the midst of the intense, scary experience of childbirth, I was able to call on that sensation of finding a little relaxation and a little space, and I didn't freak out. So it's very helpful to get that reminder again here -- no need to freak out if it's hard, just relax.

I recently heard someone say that the basic advice of all spiritual traditions is "Relax." Maybe that's true.

Day 31: Sick

We are in a fog of sickness in my house. My daughter's been sick since Friday afternoon, and I've had it since Sunday morning. "It" consists of runny nose, fever, coughing, and other delightful symptoms. I didn't work out yesterday or today, but have stuck to the diet (although I cut some carbs at lunch because I'm not getting any exercise). The most skillful thing I can do at the moment is sleep. Which I am going to go do right now.

Hope everybody else had a good weekend, and I hope to be back and kung-fuey with you all very soon.

Day 29 & Mindful Consumption

I had an important realization during my mindful consumption exercise: I hardly ever just eat. I watch a movie or read a magazine or cruise the web or talk with somebody. Often enough, I'm helping my little girl with her fork or getting her some more milk, and shoveling bites of food in my mouth in between taking care of her needs. But I rarely just eat, while doing nothing else.

So yesterday afternoon found me sitting at my kitchen table, digging into a pint of Ben & Jerry's Cinnamon Bun ice cream. I used to eat a lot of ice cream, but even before PCP it had become a pretty rare treat. Woo, the first few bites were delicious! Cold and creamy, sweet caramel, little chunks of cinnamon sugar something. Lots of different flavors and textures all mixed together. Once upon a time I would have been able to eat the whole pint (probably because I was watching TV while eating and not noticing the ice cream itself) but yesterday I was done, really and truly done, after about 15 bites. It was good but it didn't stay as good after a few spoonfuls.

I heard an interview yesterday on NPR with Grant Achatz, the chef at Alinea, a groundbreaking restaurant in Chicago. (He has a really interesting story -- he recently survived a bout of oral cancer which left him unable to taste, but he continued cooking. Here's a link to the interview.) At Alinea, they serve a tasting menu that might be 20 courses long, each course being just a few bites. He mentioned that one reason they do such small portions is that you lose the novelty and the enjoyment of the taste after a few bites, and they're looking to create an emotional experience in diners so they need to keep things moving along. This is food as an art form, a rarefied experience that I'd love to try one day, but it's not food as medicine or sustenance. Yet the idea that the enjoyment can't last long -- yes, of course, that's true. The first couple of bites of anything is usually the best. Another good reminder.

After I ate the ice cream, I started feeling kind of fuzzy and sleepy a little while later. I drank some tea to help feel better but it didn't really work. I didn't feel terrible but I didn't feel great either. This is a good reminder in the future that if I choose to indulge, there's going to be a hangover. Occasionally I can consciously & willingly take this on, just like if I decide to have one more glass of wine than would really be prudent, but for the most part, I like to feel sharp and strong as I go through my day.

Wide angle forward bend was a little less traumatic yesterday too. It's fun to see how I'm becoming ever-so-slightly more flexible all the time.

Day 26

Wandering in the wilderness, indeed. I definitely feel disconnected from my KFB cohort when we're not blogging much. During PCP I spent a lot of time every day reading, writing, and responding to blog posts. I feel a little bit lonely these days. I know we're all working on our own, but I really enjoyed that daily support.

I'm doing fine with the workouts, although I think I'm not doing some of the kicks correctly. Can I say how helpful the videos are? The still pictures are useful but I really get clarification from the videos. This is just a different type of learning than I've ever done before -- learning to move my body in a certain way is not one of my strengths. My sense of spatial awareness is not very well-developed, apparently, so I'm finding it very challenging to learn how to do what I see in the videos. But I think it's really good for me -- stretching my brain as well as my body.

I'm having trouble sticking to the diet precisely. As always, I'm happy to eat healthy meals & snacks -- I really don't mind my simple-super plates or even my apple & egg white suppers. But I'm finding myself snacking here and there, especially when somebody else around me is eating. My daughter's favorite snack these days is raisins and slivered almonds, and I have trouble staying away when I mix up some for her. After a particularly tough parenting day, I had a beer while watching the Oscars at a bar with friends.

On PCP, I didn't "cheat" at all, so I'm not sure what's happening here. Part of me is still resistant to being "on a diet," although my daily eating has improved a lot in the last month. It's still a habit to reach for food when I'm upset or tired, as a form of comfort, and I guess I'm just going to have to take that on little by little. My daughter had an epic tantrum the other day (a rare occurrence, really) and I noticed how I just wanted some of the leftover cake in the fridge. (I threw it out instead of eating it.)

I'm really enjoying feeling stronger and more flexible, though, so I'm trying to focus on that when I want to eat something that's not part of the plan. I can feel my legs holding me up as I run around at the playground, I can feel my core muscles and my back muscles keeping my good posture when I sing. The other night at choir rehearsal, where we stand for 2 hours while we sing, I felt like balancing on one leg for a while (why? I don't know) so I did. Maybe it helped me stand up taller and allow more room for my lungs to expand. It was fun, though.

Wow, we're almost a month into this. I already feel big changes, can't imagine what's still on the way.

Day 20

Just a quick note to say I LOVE WORKING OUT BAREFOOT. Thank you to Patrick for the email yesterday about footwear. I normally wear some old running shoes -- the same ones that saw me through PCP, and last year's 5K races -- and they do just fine for jumping rope, etc. I had found it a little awkward to do downward dog, etc., with shoes on, but didn't think to take them off. Kicking was so much lighter and so much more fun this morning without shoes!

Hope everybody is having a good day!

Day 19

Time to BLOG IT OUT.

I've been crowing about my lack of complaints so far, but this morning I'm starting to feel a little annoyed. My shoulders and upper back are so sore lately, it's hard to lift my daughter into her car seat. Those jumping kicks are fun, but I feel like I'm about to fall over afterward. I can feel the energy leaving my body as soon as I finish each set.

Last night was the first time I really felt deprived, food-wise. One difference since PCP is that my husband has gotten really good at making fantastic homemade pizza -- he makes the dough from scratch, then tops it with all sorts of delicious things. He decided to whip up a batch last night to use up some of the roasted red peppers in our fridge, but pizza's not on my menu for the next couple of months. He and our daughter enjoyed big slices topped with peppers, spinach, olives, and veggie sausage, while I had plain salmon with carrots & tomatoes (raw, because I didn't feel like cooking them).

In the big scheme of things, that homemade pizza isn't the worst thing to be eating, so I know it'll be an occasional part of my life again. I can skip it for a few weeks. The message about thinking of food as medicine right now was extremely helpful as I sat down to my spartan plate while my family chowed down. Just like with PCP, the social situations are proving the most difficult -- but before last night, I didn't mind eating something different. For some reason, I was feeling a little grumpy and sorry for myself last night as I "took my medicine."

Food is medicine, yes, it's fuel and sustenance. But it's also been a source of pleasure for me, and I'm a little sorry to be letting go of that pleasure right now. I had a thought: if food is medicine, what can I find right now to be "food"? As in, something pleasurable and interesting and nourishing in another way? At the moment, it's watching "Downton Abbey", the Masterpiece Theatre miniseries about a big English household: great writing, great acting, beautiful sets, just soap-opera-y enough to be entertaining. I'm also thinking about simpler pleasures: walking outside as the weather gets a little warmer, taking my daughter to the playground, reading her favorite books to her.

It's been about a year and a half now that I've been a stay-at-home mom, working part-time here and there, but my life is now primarily about running a house and taking care of a child. It's a change that I wanted, but I've struggled with my sense of self and how to balance everything. I know that I've been using food to feel better, to provide a quick hit of enjoyment amidst confusion. I got some distance from that during PCP but slid back into some old habits after the program was over, and one of my main reasons for doing KFB now is to realign my relationship with food. This is so hard for me to admit. Maybe it's not the real "point" of KFB but it's the work that I have to do now.

I'm grateful for the structure of this program, and for my KFB teammates who are going through the same things now. In a way, it doesn't really matter how I feel about food because I'm going to eat what I'm supposed to eat anyway, and we'll see how my mind reacts.

Day 17

Woo, it's been a busy few days. Have fallen off the KFB wagon just a *little* bit, but holding strong for the most part, and really enjoying the changes I'm seeing.

Last night, my husband and I hosted an amazing musician, Dayna Kurtz, for a house concert. We had about 30 people come over, have some food & drinks, then Dayna played and sang in our living room for a couple of hours. It was such a fun evening. It meant, however, about two days of preparation, from buying food & booze, cleaning up and rearranging our furniture, and renting and setting up a small sound system. We made a Spanish feast (paella, tortilla espanola, roasted red peppers, marinated mushrooms) and asked our French pastry chef friend to bring some desserts -- and they were incredibly gorgeous. I think everybody had a great time, and I was really too busy to eat much of anything so I did fine, and I got my workouts done early in the day.

Today is where everything has fallen apart, KFB-wise. I stayed up too late and couldn't get up at my usual 5:45am to work out, then decided to nap while my daughter napped instead of working out then. I'm about to put her to bed in a few minutes, and I'm going to do the workout then. I hate working out at night, especially since I'm going to be back on mornings tomorrow. But it has to get done.

Then, this afternoon -- I ate a healthy, normal lunch, but then caved to a piece of cake that was in my fridge. Dammit! I sent lots of people home with food but didn't get rid of everything. I'm not going to beat myself up about it, but I'm pondering why I ate it. Or why I ate it all, instead of just a couple of bites. I'm going to chalk it up to a combination of fatigue and feeling out of my routine because I didn't work out in the morning. Exercising first thing *really* helps me set the tone for the day.

So now it's off to make dinner for my daughter, get her in bed, then hit my workout. Sigh. But I learned on the PCP that I have to make it work, and the rewards are great when I do.

Hope everybody else had a great weekend!

P.S. I also have about 15 or 16 incredibly yummy locally-brewed beers in my fridge -- anybody want to take them off my hands? :-)

Day 14

Ah, day of blessed rest. Well, I slept 20 minutes later than usual, so that counts for rest. I thought about sleeping in much later and doing my workout in the middle of the day instead, but I wanted to keep to my routine of jumping in the morning to get that extra little fat-blasting power. So, this morning found me in the usual basement spot, just a little bit later than normal.

The forward bend is very challenging for me, physically and mentally. I have little to no flexibility in my hips and hamstrings, so just sitting upright with my legs open is not easy. I find that I have to use my core muscles a lot just to keep from leaning back or from curving my spine. The step-by-step instructions were really helpful. I'm trying to keep my normal "must achieve perfection NOW" schtick from activating and just relax into the stretch. I found myself massaging my quadriceps muscles a bit to get them to settle down a bit as well.

Daily meditation is like greeting an old friend who I haven't seen in a while. I first received meditation instruction probably 15 years ago, and spent a good deal of time training in the Shambhala tradition. When I was in college, I was lucky enough to live near an active Shambhala center that offered lots of classes and programs, plus regular group meditation, so I spent a lot of time there. (My husband and I got married in the backyard of that center.) Once I moved to NYC, I was too far away from the local Shambhala center to get very involved, and here in Louisville there is no Shambhala center. So I'm missing that group practice, encouragement and community that used to be a big part of my life, but in the end, meditation is something you do by yourself -- and the "yourself" part can be the most overwhelming.

I've finally gotten to the point where I don't get frustrated with myself for drifting off and starting to think about other things -- I just calmly and automatically bring myself back to the breath. I think this ability was what helped me get through all those frustrating jump-rope days when I would trip every couple of jumps. No big deal, no need to add to everything by getting upset, just come back and start again.

Frankly, that skill is incredibly useful when dealing with a two-year-old, who is a little chaos generator. One day she loves broccoli, the next day she hates it, and you just have to roll with it. So, I take a deep breath, I come back to the present moment (because that's the only place a little child lives) and I deal with the issue at hand. (Usually.)

It's been a long while since I had a daily practice, though, so I'm happy that meditation is part of this program. Today I'm grateful for a little extra rest, I'm grateful for the delicious lunch I just had, and I'm looking forward to seeing what's ahead for next week.

Happy weekend, everybody!

Day 12

Still sore, maybe a little less so. As with last week, I'm gonna be ready for that rest day when it gets here.

But I can see myself getting stronger and just a little bit smoother in my moves. Kicks are becoming more and more fun. Punches are feeling a little more powerful, not just spaghetti arms flailing around.

Speaking of spaghetti, did you know that salmon and soba noodles were made for each other? You folks in Japan probably did, but it was news to me... until today.

The backbend stretch we did today was so intense/painful that I could barely force myself to stay through 5 breaths. Maybe I was doing it wrong? My lower back was getting so crunched that it was hard to breathe. Anybody else have trouble with that one?

Like Ellen, I have been remiss in getting those benchmarks this week. Toe touch was downright pitiful -- I can grab my mid-calves, no deeper. Ping-pong-ball cannibalization forthcoming shortly.

Day 11

Here is a list of what is currently sore on me:

My upper back

My shoulders

My triceps

My hamstrings

My calves

My abs

Uh, I guess I'm actually doing something! Aside from the fact that picking up my 25-pound kid is a little tougher, I don't mind being sore that much. I feel lighter and stronger already. I can really feel my legs holding up the rest of my body. I feel like my posture is better. I went to choir rehearsal last night and sang Mozart for 2 hours (kung fu practice for the voice) and felt like I'm even singing better.

Happy also to be back on a basic, simple eating plan. A little boring, yes, but sometimes fewer choices can be better.

Day 10

Thanks to you all for nice words and suggestions of what to eat on a sour stomach. I slept much of the day on Saturday, and recovered enough to go to my friend's birthday party, where I ate very carefully. I'm thinking it was some kind of food poisoning that got me on Saturday morning, because it was brief and violent, then it was over.

Yesterday, got back on the horse, so to speak, with diet & exercise. The workouts are a little bit longer now so I'm getting up 10 minutes earlier -- it feels bad when I set the alarm but that extra 10 minutes doesn't really matter in the morning. It's worth it to me to be able to get up and do my workout in peace, plus have a few minutes to sit quietly with some coffee before my day really begins.

I'm having a lot of trouble just figuring out how to coordinate everything on the side kicks. Patrick's video was super-helpful, but still not sure how to move my body that way. I know this is part of what we're supposed to learn, so I'm okay with being bad at it right now. I think there's a word for the sense of your body moving in space -- whatever it is, I don't have much of it. I love to dance, just jump around however the music moves me, but try and teach me actual steps and I struggle with getting it right. And moving arms and legs together -- that's some funny stuff. So yeah, this is a challenge for me.

I work out in the basement on carpet, and pivoting my foot is kind of impossible, so I think I'm going to get a big piece of cardboard and kick it b-boy style, see if that helps.

Just enjoyed a big beautiful plate of shrimp, avocado, tomato and couscous for lunch. I haven't been eating these kinds of lunches lately because of the cleanup involved, but it was really delicious, and it'll only take me a few minutes to do the dishes. Nice to be reminded of how I should be eating.

Really sore shoulders today, also sore calves and butt. I guess I did something!

Day 8

Today I am the Warrior of Ginger Ale and Saltines, felled by a stomach bug. Woke up early to work out (actually excited about new workouts -- who am I again?) and was immediately sick. I'll spare you the details but it wasn't pretty. I actually attempted to work out after that, but 150 jumps sent me gagging to the bathroom. Apparently the human body is kind of like a bottle of soda: shake the contents too much and...

I hate to be taking a sick day so early on but something is just not right with my system today. My husband is working all day today so my mom -- awesome, amazing, I'm so lucky -- has come over to take care of my daughter while I sleep. I feel like I'm on the mend but I'm definitely weak. Being really cautious with what I eat. My daughter is going down for her nap shortly so I think I'll join her for my second nap of the day.

I had plans to go out for a friend's (surprise) birthday dinner tonight, at one of my favorite restaurants in town. It's actually the place where I went for my first PCP indulgence. I have a babysitter all lined up but now I'm not sure if I can go. I was planning to just eat the simplest food I can find there, no carbs, no wine. (Their emphasis is on local produce, etc., although local produce consists mostly of turnips at this time of year.) At this point, I think I'll just pack a baggie of saltines in my purse if I feel well enough to make an appearance.

What do other cultures eat when they have an upset stomach? My mom always prescribes ginger ale and saltines, but there has to be something else. I'm not going to sweat missing a day of the diet under these conditions, but I'm curious. I have my laminated sheet from PCP all filled out with my grams and was looking forward to seeing how I felt with those amounts.

Hope everyone else is doing well, and hope I'm back on the horse to join you tomorrow.

Day 7: Rest

So nice to have a less-intense workout this morning. It's true, a day off is all the more enjoyable when you've been working hard. My forward bend is pretty pitiful -- I have tight hamstrings, which I hope will be somewhat eased over the course of the next 11 weeks. I had to sit on a small cushion just to keep from leaning back, but then once I got my hips up a couple of inches, I was able to bend forward a bit. I remember from my yoga classes about how to breathe into stretches: using the inbreath to lengthen and deepen the stretch, using the outbreath to relax and sink in a little bit more. It feels nice.

And this marks the first time in forever that I've actually kept up a daily meditation practice for more than a couple of days. I've been meditating off and on for probably 15 years, but have never, in all that time, managed to develop a real daily practice. Probably the last time I meditated every day for a week or more was when I did a 10-day retreat at Karme Choling in Vermont (maybe right down the road from you, Deborah?) and that was 4 years ago. I'm curious to see the effects that 90 days of meditation will have on me.

I think I'm discovering a powerful secret: in order to learn to do something, start really really small. Like 50 jumps with a jump rope, or 5 minutes of meditation. It feels ridiculously small, silly even, to do so little of something. My Type-A brain says, "You'll never get anywhere if you start so small!" But with daily repetition, and tiny incremental increases, that small start leads to a new skill. I struggled so much with jumping rope during the PCP, but now I can (usually) knock out 100 or even 150 jumps in a row without tripping. I recommend jumping rope to people all the time, but with the caveat that it takes a while to get good at it and you have to be patient and keep at it. I am not typically patient or persistent, but within the structure of a program I gradually, slowly learned how to jump rope. I'm grateful to have the chance to work on another skill now.

New diets coming tonight, I bet. Only a little bit of trepidation. :)

Day 6: No drama

There are many things that are similar between the PCP and the KFB: the basic structure of daily emails, daily workouts, diet maintenance, blogging, a group of people all training together. But I'm starting to see that the experience is very different, at least so far.

One big difference so far is the absence of any kind of DRAMA. I had a lot of drama during the PCP: the workouts made me cry more than once, I was often angry about the amount or type of food I was allowed to have, and I struggled with feeling like a total social outcast when I ate my apple & egg white while everybody else ate roast duck or whatever.

Now, it's only been a week on the KFB, but I'm not feeling any drama. The workouts are not super-easy, but well within my ability. On that last set of kicks I'm feeling pretty tired, so I swear a little bit and then it's done. I know our diet hasn't really kicked in yet, but I'm already eating better than I was last week, and that's coming easily. I'm willing to bet that apple & egg white is in my future, but whatever, it's just for a little while.

The big difference is that I'm just not anxious about this. I'm going to do my best, I want to get good results and really work this program for all I can, but I'm not sweating any of it. I like to say that I'm a recovering perfectionist, and I know now that I don't have to do every single bit of this program perfectly in order to learn and benefit.

Maybe the stretching and meditation are helping me to be calmer. Maybe the confidence I got from completing the PCP is helping me through. Maybe it's just the beginning and I will be a raging drama queen before this is all over. I'm enjoying the smooth ride as long as it lasts.

One other interesting note: I'm really feeling my abdominal muscles today, almost like I'm wearing a corset. On the PCP after ab work, I felt most sore right down the front of my stomach, but I'm feeling the muscles all around my midsection. Really interesting. I can poke through the pudge and tell that there are some good muscles under there. Now to work on shedding some more fat so those muscles can peek through!

Day 5

Making it work, Part 1:

My husband is a doctor by profession, and a musician by avocation. Last night he played his first-ever real gig in town, at a local pizza joint. Of course, I was there and so were lots of friends and family. He did great and there was a decent crowd. It was a really fun night. The "making it work" part comes when you're trying to reduce carbs at a place that basically serves nothing but. The menu included all kinds of pizza, several big meaty-cheesy sandwiches (with ranch dressing on the side!), and a couple of desultory salads. My table ordered a veggie pizza and a salad -- the salad was fresh enough, but basically a pile of iceberg lettuce. Blech. The pizza was delicious, and I had just one piece. I think once our "real" diet starts, that's not even going to work, but for now I'm happy that I made a better choice than I might have a week ago.

Making it work, Part 2:

I normally work out at 6 am, before anyone else in my house is up. I like having the quiet time to myself, and I like making my workout a priority. By 7 am, I'm finished and ready to jump in the shower. Last night, I didn't get to bed until midnight, so getting up at 6 to work out was not in the cards. I normally use the morning hours while my daughter is at preschool to take care of work and household things, but this morning I got the workout done too during that time. Not my favorite way to do things, but it had to be done. It's a good reminders that I really do have time to fit these things in, I just have to do it.

In other news: tired today. My body is aching a little bit more than it has been. I haven't been completely sedentary for the past 5 months (far from it) but I haven't been working out every single day. I think my body is feeling the effects of 5 days in a row of activity, much of it new to me. It's no big deal, but I'm going to be ready for that "rest" day on Friday.

How's everybody else doing?

Day 4

Heh. Just found myself doing some spontaneous leg swings while washing an apple. Came out of nowhere, I swear.

Definitely sore in the upper back and shoulders. Feeling unexpected strength in my core -- I wouldn't expect this feeling without lots of dedicated ab work. All those kicks and swings must be strengthening the core too.

One other thing: downloaded Cee-Lo's version of "Kung Fu Fighting" to my workout playlist. Silly but oddly appropriate.

Day 3 - Punch Out!!

Does anybody remember that old Nintendo game called Mike Tyson's Punch Out? My brother and I used to play it when we got sick of Super Mario Brothers. (It was before Mike Tyson was creepy.) Anyway, that's about as close as I've ever gotten to punching anybody or anything.

Until now.

I'm really enjoying the workouts so far, and I'm noticing that the part that makes me feel the silliest is the punching. I'm a girl; we don't usually punch. (Now, if pulling hair were on our exercise list, I could do that...) I never took martial arts. I took a stage combat class once, but you have to manage your energy very carefully so you don't actually hit anyone. So, punching is pretty new to me.

My arms feel so loose, and my hands feel so light at the ends of my wrists. I'm not bothered by it at all -- I know I'll get more accustomed to it -- it just feels really funny. The kicks feel different somehow, like my foot is heavier and has more force behind it. I guess that makes sense, if the kicks are fueled by the biggest muscles in my body.

Anyway, all is well in my KFB world. Unlike the early days of the PCP, I'm not filled with anxiety about what's coming next. I have enough experience with Patrick to know that I have no idea what's coming next, so if it's easy now, I'm going to enjoy it and wait until the next email that changes everything. Or not.

Day 1 & 2

I know exactly what I'm doing.

I have no clue what I'm doing.

I've done this before, but it's all new.

I'm sitting here slightly, pleasantly sore and tired after my Day 2 KFB workout. So far, the workouts feel pretty light, and surprisingly fun. I've been working on reestablishing a daily meditation practice so it's nice to have that folded into my other health efforts.

It's been 5 months since the end of the PCP, and I am not in Peak Condition at the moment, but not as far from it as I had feared. Since the PCP ended, I've managed to work out (at the VERY least) 3 times a week, most weeks more like 5 times. This is huge for me, someone who exercised sporadically at best before the PCP. A lot of the angst and resistance I had to exercise was dissipated over the course of the PCP, and now I generally approach it like a professional: get dressed, get in, get out, check it off the list. I work out because it makes me feel good, and as long as I remember that, I can get it done. I used the PCP maintenance workouts for a while until they got so God-awful boring that I had to find something new, then for the past month I've been using a very cool iPhone app just to mix it up. It's a mark of how far I've come that I was really excited to see my new KFB workouts, instead of dreading them.

Food is another matter entirely. Food is definitely my area of weakness when it comes to wellness. I like healthy food, but portion control is sometimes an issue, and emotional eating is definitely an issue. It's a big deal for me to even admit this in public, so I'm not sure how much I'm going to be able to talk about it publicly. But suffice it to say that I have retained some good habits from the PCP and I have let other bad habits creep back in. I'm happy to be back on a "program" and I'm happy to be continuing in my journey towards a better relationship with food.

The timing of this program is really great for me. I'm going to a friend's fancy-schmancy wedding in New York City right in the middle of the program, so I'm going to use that as a mid-term goal to shoot for. I don't have any weight goals in particular, I just want to look as good as I can by then. And by the time this program is over, it'll be Derby time in Louisville, the biggest festival of the year around here. Lots of parties & social events = opportunities for cute spring dresses. I'm looking forward to starting the warmer season with a healthier body.

I'm also happy to be sharing this experience with some wonderful people, including my former PCP buddies Deborah and Naoko. The social aspect of the PCP was one of the best things about it.

Two days in and feeling good. Bring it on!

Ready!

We join spokes together in a wheel,
but it is the center hole
that makes the wagon move.

We shape clay into a pot,
but it is the emptiness inside
that holds whatever we want.

We hammer wood for a house,
but it is the inner space
that makes it livable.

We work with being,
but non-being is what we use.