I've been crowing about my lack of complaints so far, but this morning I'm starting to feel a little annoyed. My shoulders and upper back are so sore lately, it's hard to lift my daughter into her car seat. Those jumping kicks are fun, but I feel like I'm about to fall over afterward. I can feel the energy leaving my body as soon as I finish each set.
Last night was the first time I really felt deprived, food-wise. One difference since PCP is that my husband has gotten really good at making fantastic homemade pizza -- he makes the dough from scratch, then tops it with all sorts of delicious things. He decided to whip up a batch last night to use up some of the roasted red peppers in our fridge, but pizza's not on my menu for the next couple of months. He and our daughter enjoyed big slices topped with peppers, spinach, olives, and veggie sausage, while I had plain salmon with carrots & tomatoes (raw, because I didn't feel like cooking them).
In the big scheme of things, that homemade pizza isn't the worst thing to be eating, so I know it'll be an occasional part of my life again. I can skip it for a few weeks. The message about thinking of food as medicine right now was extremely helpful as I sat down to my spartan plate while my family chowed down. Just like with PCP, the social situations are proving the most difficult -- but before last night, I didn't mind eating something different. For some reason, I was feeling a little grumpy and sorry for myself last night as I "took my medicine."
Food is medicine, yes, it's fuel and sustenance. But it's also been a source of pleasure for me, and I'm a little sorry to be letting go of that pleasure right now. I had a thought: if food is medicine, what can I find right now to be "food"? As in, something pleasurable and interesting and nourishing in another way? At the moment, it's watching "Downton Abbey", the Masterpiece Theatre miniseries about a big English household: great writing, great acting, beautiful sets, just soap-opera-y enough to be entertaining. I'm also thinking about simpler pleasures: walking outside as the weather gets a little warmer, taking my daughter to the playground, reading her favorite books to her.
It's been about a year and a half now that I've been a stay-at-home mom, working part-time here and there, but my life is now primarily about running a house and taking care of a child. It's a change that I wanted, but I've struggled with my sense of self and how to balance everything. I know that I've been using food to feel better, to provide a quick hit of enjoyment amidst confusion. I got some distance from that during PCP but slid back into some old habits after the program was over, and one of my main reasons for doing KFB now is to realign my relationship with food. This is so hard for me to admit. Maybe it's not the real "point" of KFB but it's the work that I have to do now.
I'm grateful for the structure of this program, and for my KFB teammates who are going through the same things now. In a way, it doesn't really matter how I feel about food because I'm going to eat what I'm supposed to eat anyway, and we'll see how my mind reacts.
You're not alone--I'm definitely feeling some of that 'hunger'. The fact that you recognize that, and can step away and see it for what it is, empowers you to make a choice, rather than just cave in, unthinking, to a habit or reflex.
ReplyDeleteAwesome work keeping on top of the exercises, they're definitely no joke. I've been trying to remind myself that it takes time to start to see and, especially here, feel changes. I'm sure they'll be different this time around, but based on our past experience--& the blogs of KFB alumni--I have faith that they will come.
And damn, we've almost knocked out 3 solid weeks!
I feel you on missing food for pleasure and nourishment. Although my cookie dreams have subsided, I still find myself wishing for an indulgence of butter, cheese or cream. But I'm with you on that I'm going to eat what I'm supposed to eat because it's been proven that I feel a lot better when I do. And feeling good is what is important to me right now.
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